I haven't posted for a long time due to RL. but here is one site that has made me smile.


http://notalwaysright.com/

The bookshop one is my favourite - and so true

The reason why I was late to work on Tuesday as reported in the local paper.

07:16 - 28-August-2008
A NAKED man was nabbed by police after he climbed a tree near Dawlish Warren, played a mouth organ and refused to come down.
The 44-year-old was arrested under the Mental Health Act at about 7am yesterday.
A police spokesman said the man was seen wandering around Dawlish Warren naked from the waist down at 9.40pm on Tuesday.
Police found him walking in the road towards Cockwood.
The man ran off and into a driveway in Easton before scrambling onto a stable roof and up a tree. He was sitting high up in the branches and was unresponsive.
Police closed the road for the man’s safety and a fire engine from Dawlish and the aerial platform from Exeter were called in.
A police officer and fire officer were sent up to try to coax the man down at about 4am, but he refused to budge.
The police spokesman said after several hours the officers decided enough was enough and brought him down by force.
He was taken to Torquay Police Station.
The spokesman added: “He will be examined by a mental health professional to see whether he needs to be sectioned.”
Tina Swift, 46, watched the drama unfold from her bedroom window.
She said: “We were out for a meal with friends and came back home in a taxi at about 11.30pm. I let the dogs out and I was getting ready for bed when I heard a car fly into our driveway and saw the security lights go on.
“I looked out of the window and I saw police officers running after a naked man.
“My husband, son and I all gave chase in our pyjamas and saw him get himself onto the stable roof and onto the barn.”
Mrs Swift’s son Steve, 20, chased the man on to the roof and spotted him lying down. But when he called for help, the man shot off and climbed up the tree.
“He was up there for seven hours completely starkers. It was a very, very long night.
“He was obviously mentally ill and absolutely disorientated.
“All he had with him was his mouth organ and he would play that every now and again.
“I thought I was dreaming. It’s certainly something different to have a naked man in your tree at night.”

Subject: SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE



This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the
message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted
unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This
came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents
to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their
children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those
children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete
enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your
school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member,
please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework
and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang
up and have a nice day!

If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip".
So next sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass he found the following not on his door.

1. Slip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus christ as the late J.C
7. The father, son and holy ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey we do not say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said "Take this and eat it for it is my body". He did not say "Eat me".
12. The virgin mary is not called mary with the cherry.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub a dub dub thanx for the grub, yeah god".
14. Next sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peters not a Peter pulling contest at st taffy's

No I do not know what the book in the Bristol shop window was last year!! My knowledge about books which have Blue covers does not tell me where in the shop it may be!
I have not seen "This morning" as I was opening the shop at 7.45!!!
And finally please don't tell me there's a man doing death threats at customers in Costa!!

I need to make an icon

not sure if i like being a hare!!

The 3rd man in history to walk on water:





The 1st one was Christ...


The 2nd one was Peter (the apostle)...







Scroll Down...


















Then there was this guy, Jose.........






Keep Scrolling...

Subject:

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache

the next morning. "

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

Happy Easter

Whats worse? Having an injection or suffering the effects of the injection for the rest of the day??
Today was not fun!! Had a dentist appointment. Got there and thought it wouldn't take too long, only for the nice dentist to say that there was a hole in my filling (I knew it was there!!! Its been there for years quietly minding it own business -not bothering me or the tooth. It didn't hurt wasn't infected or anything!!!) So we had to have it drilled out! Just to check it was all ok underneath and refill it. Now my mouth is sore, gum is sore thanks to the injection and my stupid imagination is saying the filling is to high so my teeth jar is when I chew.
Am not happy and am going to go and eat pringles until I feel sick!

Does this thing work??

Hello not been here a while so am
dusting the place out, changing colours
and generally playing around.

ok long time no post.
I have passed my driving test and so am ready to take on the world!!